Funny Taglines
  • "Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
  • "Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?"
  • 2 rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
  • Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
  • All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • Borg virus detected. (A)ssimilate? (Y/y)
  • Borg-Cola: Not the choice of the next generation.
  • Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.
  • Borger King. Have it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
  • Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo.
  • California raisins murdered! Cereal killer suspected.
  • Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
  • Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
  • "Artist seeks Boss with vision impairment."
  • "Beam me aboard, Scotty!" "Will a 2X4 do, Captain?"
  • "Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
  • *tap* *tap* *tap* Is this thing on?
  • A Shower is the halfway point between Bed and World.
  • A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  • A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act them out.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • A hangover: the wrath of grapes.
  • A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
  • A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
  • A good pun is its own reword.
  • A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it.
  • A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
  • A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.
  • A self-adressed envelope would be addressed "Envelope".
  • A)bort R)etry I)nfluence with large hammer?
  • Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
  • Actual TorStar headline, 3/6/94: "Man charged with murder after death"
  • Actual newspaper headline: "TEENAGE PROSTITUTES SPREADING NATIONWIDE"
  • Actual newspaper headline, 1/17/77: "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
  • Actual newspaper headline, 8/14/80: "Food Basic to Student Diet"
  • After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
  • After all is said and done, usually more is said.
  • Air is water with holes in it.
  • Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
  • Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
  • All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
  • All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
  • All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
  • Animals/people: you can pet 99% of animals and still get a G rating.
  • Any man who can see through women is sure missing a lot.
  • Any student who changes the course of history is probably writing an exam.
  • Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
  • Apathy Error: Don't bother striking any key.
  • Are dog biscuits made from collie flour?
  • As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
  • Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
  • Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
  • Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
  • Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
  • Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall
  • Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill
  • Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
  • Being psychotic is all it's cracked up to be.
  • Best diet: Eat as much as you want, but don't swallow it.
  • Bitchenaid: It's like, totally, the best dishwasher ever, dude!
  • Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
  • Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
  • Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
  • Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  • Bull behind a tapestry: you can't see the taurus for the frieze.
  • Bulldozer: a student sleeping through a lecture.
  • Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
  • Buy one, get one free...does it have to be in that order?
  • Cabinicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
  • Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
  • Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction.
  • Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
  • Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
  • Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
  • Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
  • Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
  • Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, in the dictionary.
  • Click...click...click...damn, out of new taglines.
  • Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
  • Close your eyes and press escape three times.
  • Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
  • College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
  • Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
  • Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
  • Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
  • Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
  • Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
  • Death is the one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards.
  • Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
  • Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
  • Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
  • Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken
  • Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
  • dfghkjupih uiph12...ooops...sorry...fell asleep on the keyboard.
  • Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
  • Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
  • Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
  • Do steam rollers really roll steam?
  • Does Time pass? Yes, it does. How else can you explain Visa bills?
  • Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
  • Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it.
  • Don't laugh. It could happen.
  • Don't judge a book by its mini-series.
  • Don't use no double negatives, not never.
  • Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
  • Don't you hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals?
  • Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.
  • Don't explain. Your friends know already and your enemies don't care.
  • Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
  • Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
  • Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
  • Down with categorical imperatives.
  • Drunk Borg: Rsilience in floor tile. Wan'be similated?
  • Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
  • Earth was interesting, and worth the money I paid for it.
  • Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
  • Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
  • Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- last words of Groucho Marx
  • Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- last words of Oscar Wilde
  • Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
  • Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
  • Eleven tons of hair stolen. Police combing area.
  • Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
  • Ever find yourself posting messages just to show off your taglines?
  • Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
  • Every pool you can swim in has been pissed in at least once.
  • Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
  • Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. -- Atwood
  • Everything in moderation, including moderation.
  • Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
  • Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
  • Expert: Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
  • Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.
  • Familiarity breeds children.
  • Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
  • Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
  • Fenderberg: Deposit on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
  • Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
  • Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
  • For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
  • For reply, send self-abused stomped antelope to: brea9430@mach1.wlu.ca
  • Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
  • Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.
  • Gather round like cattle and ye shall be herd.
  • Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
  • Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance
  • Genetics: proof that God gambles. Clinton: proof He lost.
  • Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
  • Gentlemen: it appears to be unanimous that we can not agree.
  • Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
  • Get your mind outta the gutter! And pick mine up while you're down there.
  • Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
  • Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
  • Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
  • Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
  • God gives burdens; also shoulders.
  • God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
  • God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
  • GO HABS GO! And take the rest of the province with you.
  • Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
  • Good sopranos and tenors have resonance -- where others have brains.
  • Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
  • Great minds run in great circles.
  • Gretzky hasn't scored near as often as that Japanese player, Hee Shu Tze.
  • Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
  • Happiness can't buy you money.
  • Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
  • hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY?
  • Have you flogged your crew today?
  • Have you seen Quasimodo? I've a hunch he's back.
  • Have an adequate day.
  • Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
  • Having children will turn you into your parents.
  • He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
  • He who dies with the most taglines, wins!
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
  • He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
  • He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
  • He is no lawyer who cannot take seventeen sides.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
  • Heating with wood, you get warm twice: Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
  • Heisenberg might have been here.
  • HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
  • Hey Santa, how much is it for the list of naughty girls?
  • Hindsight is usually better...depending on the hind you've sighted.
  • History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
  • Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
  • Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray Bandy
  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  • Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
  • Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
  • How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • How many priests are needed in Boston Mass?
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?
  • How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
  • How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
  • I always cry during sex. I think it's the Mace.
  • I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
  • I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.
  • I know I have a purpose because I always seem to need deodorant.
  • I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I assimilated you last year.
  • I am Sajak of Borg. R__I_T_NC_ I_ FU_IL_
  • I am NOT a pornographer. I don't even own a pornograph.
  • I disclaim my disclaimer!
  • I believe in free will. My religion says I have no choice.
  • I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. (the Wizard of Oz)
  • I distinctly remember forgetting that.
  • I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
  • I do a lot of thinking in the john. Says a lot for my thoughts.
  • I am Tweety of Borg. I _tawt_ I attimiwated a puddy tat!
  • I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. -- Groucho Marx
  • I am Clinton of Borg. Hillary says resistance is futile!
  • I got a life! I ordered it through my computer.
  • I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
  • I dreamed I met God. He sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to Him.
  • I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my shoulders.
  • I have read and understood the above. X________________________
  • I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx
  • I locked my coathanger in the car. Good thing I had a key.
  • I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  • I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.
  • I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
  • I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
  • I repeatedly and sincerely asked that I be born again. My mother refused.
  • I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
  • I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.
  • I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
  • I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!
  • I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
  • I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
  • I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. -- Nash
  • I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -- Cerebus
  • I dreamed I was a wheel rim. I woke up still tired.
  • I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals...I just hate PLANTS!
  • I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
  • I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
  • I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
  • I am Ginsu of Borg. You will be assimilated - but WAIT! There's MORE!
  • I want to die in my sleep like my father, not screaming like his passengers.
  • I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Albran
  • I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
  • I will always love the false image I had of you.
  • I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.
  • I seem to be a verb. -- Buckminster Fuller
  • I hate laundry month.
  • I doubt, therefore I might be.
  • I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... OOooooo! Donuts!
  • I used to be sane. I got better.
  • I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
  • I was glad to be able to answer promptly. I said I didn't know. --Mark Twain
  • I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad. -- Allen
  • I'm an atheist! I swear to God I am!
  • I'll have: two drugged brains over easy with bacon and toast.
  • I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
  • I'll procrastinate...tomorrow.
  • I'm in shape. Round is a shape, isn't it?
  • I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
  • If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
  • If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
  • If You Pass This Point You Will Most Certainly Die. -- sign on birth canal
  • If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
  • If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
  • If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
  • If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
  • If you can read this, my cloaking device is on the fritz.
  • If you lay every snoring student end-to-end, they'd be more comfortable.
  • If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
  • If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
  • If either religion or science were infallible, it would incorporate the other.
  • If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
  • If I had finished this sentence. -- Hofstadter
  • If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
  • If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
  • If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
  • If all the world's a stage, who sprung the trap door on me?
  • If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
  • If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
  • If in doubt, mumble.
  • If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If laws were outlawed, only outlaws would be lawyers.
  • If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
  • If you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?
  • If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  • If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
  • If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
  • If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
  • If morons could fly, the sky would be pitch black.
  • If there is light at the end of the tunnel... ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
  • If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
  • If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
  • If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
  • If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
  • If nothing beats getting drunk, given a choice, I'd take the nothing.
  • Illegitimus non Carborundem -- "Don't let the bastards grind you down".
  • Illiterate? Write for free help.
  • In English, every word can be verbed.
  • In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
  • In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
  • In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
  • Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
  • Is this true or only clever? -- Augustine Birrell
  • Is there life before death?
  • Is a mirage real? Well, it's a real mirage. -- Edward Abbey
  • It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert Einstein
  • It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
  • It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
  • It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
  • It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
  • It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
  • It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
  • It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
  • It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
  • It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
  • It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew Mathis
  • It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose.
  • It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
  • It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
  • Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew Arnold
  • Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
  • Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
  • Justice: A decision in your favor.
  • Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
  • Keep Canada beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
  • Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
  • Kilroy occupied these spatial coordinates.
  • Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
  • Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
  • Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on scratch-and-win tickets.
  • Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
  • Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
  • Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
  • Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
  • Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
  • Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
  • Let's hope God grades on a curve.
  • Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
  • Life is like an analogy.
  • Life is too confusing for novices. We should let the experts take care of it.
  • Living your life is so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
  • Living on Earth includes one annual free trip around the Sun.
  • Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL. --J. Handey
  • Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either.
  • Look where you dare not look, and you'll find ME staring back at you.
  • Lorena to Tonya: here, smack Nancy with *this*...
  • Love means nothing to a tennis player.
  • Love thy neighbor: Tune thy piano.
  • Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
  • Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
  • Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
  • Love: the word that paints a thousand pictures.
  • Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
  • Madness takes its toll. Please deposit exact change.
  • Maggit: A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
  • Magnocartic: An automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts.
  • Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
  • Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
  • Make money fast: don't give it any food.
  • Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
  • Make things as simple as possible, but not simpler. --Einstein
  • Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
  • Mankind... infests the whole habitable Earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce
  • Many are cold, but few are frozen.
  • Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
  • May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
  • Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
  • Michelangelo would have made better time with a roller.
  • Millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
  • Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
  • Mold has spores. People have pores. It is one way to tell us apart.
  • Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
  • Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
  • Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
  • Most of us hate to see a poor loser. Rich winners, though, are worse.
  • Mowmuffins: Dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.
  • Mr. Worf! Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge?
  • Mr. Bullfrog sez: Time is fun when you're having flies.
  • MRducks. MRnot! MRso! Cedar wings? ...Whale oil beef hooked, MRducks!
  • Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
  • Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
  • My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
  • My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
  • My opinions are not those of my ex-employer.
  • My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
  • My used underwear is legal tender in 28 countries and counting.
  • My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • My computer NEVER cras
  • My name is Annie Key. Ouch! Why are you hitting me?!
  • My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
  • My other tagline is a footnote.
  • Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely.
  • Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
  • Never enough time, unless you're serving it.
  • Never call a man a fool. Instead, borrow from him.
  • Never eat prunes when you're famished.
  • Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
  • Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf.
  • Never get into a farting contest with a skunk.
  • Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
  • Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please.
  • Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
  • Nine out of ten people think they are above average. The rest are in therapy.
  • No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
  • No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.
  • Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
  • Nobody home but the lights, and they're out too.
  • Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
  • Nobody ever goes there, it's too crowded. (I've actually HEARD this!)
  • Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
  • Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
  • Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
  • Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
  • Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter"
  • Nugloo: Single continuous eyebrow that covers the entire forehead.
  • On the other hand... you have different fingers.
  • One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
  • One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
  • Our parents were never our age.
  • Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy Ash
  • Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
  • Paint the backs of *all* the boats. Leave no stern untoned.
  • Paper is always strongest at the perforations. -- Corry
  • Parallel lines DO meet, but only incognito.
  • Paranoia? Hell, no. Heightened awareness is more like it.
  • Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted.
  • People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
  • People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
  • People usually get what's coming to them... unless it was mailed.
  • People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw parties.
  • Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
  • Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
  • Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
  • Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck!
  • Question Authority... and the Authorities will question you!
  • Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds deep)
  • Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
  • Reality is for those too stupid to program holodecks.
  • Rumper sticker on a horse: "Get off my tail, because shit happens."
  • Saddam Hussein is the father of the mother of all cliches.
  • Satisfaction guaranteed, or twice your load back.-- sign on septic tank truck
  • Save the Rainforest! Eat a vegetarian!
  • Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
  • Sign seen on door: C I T Y P L A N N ING
  • Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt.
  • Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -- Fletcher Knebel
  • Snackmosphere: The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.
  • Some people would not recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
  • Someday you will look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
  • Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
  • Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
  • Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. -- Sigmund Freud
  • Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
  • Spam Lite: with meat products like these, who needs taglines?
  • Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
  • Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
  • That was Zen; this is Tao.
  • The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  • The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
  • The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
  • The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you have it made.
  • The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
  • The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
  • The prairies are vast plains covered by treeless forests.
  • The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
  • The lion and the calf shall lie down together. The calf won't sleep.
  • The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography.
  • The Swedish Chef has been assimilated. Borg borg borg!
  • The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
  • The number watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
  • The cynic says: the pessimist is a realist who isn't afraid to admit it.
  • The chief cause of problems is solutions.
  • The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
  • The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
  • The death rate on Earth is: .... (computing) .... One per person.
  • The glass is half full--and what's in it has gone rancid.
  • The early worm deserves the bird.
  • The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
  • The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
  • The first piece of luggage out of the chute does not belong to anyone, ever.
  • The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this Earth. -- Diana Rigg
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
  • There is no idea so stupid that some professor doesn't believe in it.
  • There is a vas deferens between men and women.
  • There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life.
  • There is a 70% probability of tomorrow. (actual weatherman quote. 1988)
  • There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
  • There is no bottom to worse. -- Cohen
  • There's not enough sax and violins on television.
  • These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions.
  • They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.
  • They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...-Sedgwick's last words
  • Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. --Gerald Ford.
  • This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. - Winston Churchill
  • This is news. This is your brain on news. Any questions?
  • This is my last sig. I gave up smoking.
  • This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
  • This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
  • This is Borg. is futile is inevitable.
  • This sentence no verb.
  • This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer.
  • This letter fills a much-needed gap.
  • This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
  • This aphorism would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
  • Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students.
  • Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas.
  • Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
  • To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
  • To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
  • To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
  • To err is human. To blame someone for your errors is even more human.
  • To attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable.
  • To do it: Hire someone, or forbid your kids.
  • To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
  • Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  • Today's greatest labour-saving device is...tomorrow!
  • Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -- Rilla May
  • TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
  • Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
  • Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
  • U2 will become one with the Borg. We like Bono.
  • Unable to open LEVI.ZIP. Continue running TAKELEAK.EXE? (Y/N)
  • Unauthorized fornication with this equipment is disallowed.
  • Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, the opposite applies.
  • Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.
  • Verbing weirds language. --Calvin
  • Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
  • Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
  • Volvo, Video, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)
  • Vote anarchist.
  • We aren't sure how clouds form. But they know, that is what counts.
  • We totally deny the allegations. We are trying to identify the allegators.
  • We've taken his life and secretly replaced it with Foldgers Crystals.
  • We have them just where they want us. -- James Kirk
  • We will cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
  • We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
  • We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday.
  • What is orange and goes "click, click"? A ball point carrot.
  • What this country needs is more leaders who know what this country needs.
  • What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Key
  • What if there were no hypothetical situations? --Andrew Kohlsmith
  • When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you.
  • When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
  • When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
  • When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
  • When is summer in Canada? Last year it was a Tuesday in July.
  • When in doubt, do as doubters do.
  • When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
  • When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
  • When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
  • When things look dark, hold your head high so it can rain up your nose.
  • Where there is a will, there is an Inheritance Tax.
  • While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
  • Why doesn't life come with subtitles?
  • Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than horses? -- Liddy
  • Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin
  • Why did the tachyon cross the road? Because it was on the other side.
  • Why don't "minimalists" find a shorter name for themselves?
  • Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it's said?
  • Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
  • Why take life seriously? You're not coming out of it alive anyway!
  • Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
  • Wise is the squirrel. For he says: "You are a nut!"
  • Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
  • Work is the curse of the drinking class.
  • Working in a McDonald's kitchen: one ing thing after another...
  • Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
  • Yawning is an orgasm for your face. -- Gunvar Ingeborg
  • Yes, I get funny looks. I like funny looks.
  • Yo-yo: Something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer").
  • You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
  • You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
  • You are warm and giving toward others. What are you after?
  • You can't hear it, but the universe is laughing at you behind your back.
  • You are here. But you are not all there.
  • You are not paranoid if they're really after you...
  • You are wrong when right and right when left, if you're driving in the US.
  • You simply *must* stop taking other people's advice.
  • You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
  • Your lucky number is 364958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
  • Your reasoning is silly and irrational but it is beginning to make sense.
  • Your fault -- core dumped.
  • Your password is pitifully obvious.
  • ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.